In which this title has been suspended due to a lapse in government funding

                            

At this point there isn't a single news source that hasn't released a question/answer or FAQ page regarding the government shutdown. I am no longer sure who they are answering questions for, since shutdown articles are now so populous on the internet they threaten to overtake cat videos and CSI: Miami sunglasses memes combined. 

While these efforts to educate the American public are notable, the time for vague and politically correct answers has passed, so without further ado – 15 questions and answers regarding the government shutdown that might [UPDATE: 8:30pm -  will probably] happen for people who have been living under a rock or watching the week-long Breaking Bad marathon:

1. What causes a shutdown? Senator Ted Cruz

2. What’s a continuing resolution? It means Congress couldn’t get their act together long enough to pass a budget, but they didn’t want the American people to know so they threw some money at the problem.

3. Why can’t Congress agree? See number 1

4.  Will I still get my mail? You still get paper mail? I bet you are reading this on AOL aren’t you . . . yup, thought so.

5. Can I get a passport? What? Why do you need to know this right now? Seriously, if you are undertaking travel that needs a passport in the next few weeks, that is on you. A lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on my part . . . unless you are Congress, then I guess it does. The lesson here is that you should have planned ahead, Ted Cruz can happen to anyone at anytime.

6. Can I visit national parks? Oh so now you want to visit a national park. The park service has undergone an expensive campaign to get people interested in parks again and it turns out all they needed were a bunch of people sitting at home with nothing to do – noted.  But to answer your question – no, like that song about paving paradise and putting up a parking lot “you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”

7. What about campers already in parks? Squatter’s rights? But if you really want to know you have until midnight to set up camp in a park and see for yourself. Make sure you tweet CNN about it, they are going to need shutdown reaction tweets. 

8. Will the national archives or the Smithsonian museums be closed? Yes. A good rule of thumb is, if an eighth grader has been grudgingly dragged there on a class trip, it is closed starting midnight tonight.

9. Would food safety inspections continue? Mostly, but I am sure Monsanto will find a loophole.

10. Will e-Verify be affected? Yes, it will be shut down. So if you are an undocumented worker, tomorrow might be a good time to go job hunting.

11. Would a shutdown put the brakes on implementing the Affordable Care Act or “Obamacare?” In perhaps the strangest twist in this whole debacle, the answer is no. The marketplace is funded from separate sources, so the source of all the fuss is exempt from all the fuss . . . and if that doesn’t epitomize the current political atmosphere I don’t know what does.

12. Would the IRS continue to collect taxes? Yes, nice try though.

13. I’m being audited by the IRS. Would a shutdown affect me? Yes, the IRS is suspending audit activities. If you have off work tomorrow, it might be a good time to burn and/or forge any documents necessary before the IRS knocks on your door in a few weeks time.

14. Is this system really the best thing our Founding Fathers could come up with? In their defense, they were drunk and/or womanizing a lot of the time.

And of course, 15. How many news sites will find it necessary to place a countdown timer in the lower left hand corner of the screen? What you have to understand is that a few years ago every major news source made a deal with the devil; he would create twitter so they get instant reaction quotes without leaving the office, but they had to meet a certain quota of unnecessary sound effects, countdown timers, and banners reading "BREAKING NEWS" every month regardless of whether said things were called for in the news cycle. Today is the last day of September, so they have to squeeze in a lot in a short amount of time.

     So that is it folks, stay safe and try not to get arrested in any national parks (but if you do, remember that this blog does not constitute legal advice and any consequences of actions taken by the reader are not the responsibility of this blog, this writer, or our Founding Fathers - it is probably Ted Cruz's fault though).